Keeping the Peace Among Your Children: Why Equal Isn't Always Fair

By Attorney, Philip Kavesh

 

One of the most common concerns we hear from parents is not simply, “Who should receive what?” It is, “How do I make sure my estate does not tear the family apart?”

That concern is well-founded. After a parent dies, even close families can experience tension, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and old childhood resentments. Sometimes the fight is not really about the money. It is about a child feeling overlooked, treated unfairly, or left in the dark.

A well-designed estate plan can do more than distribute assets. It can help preserve family harmony.

 

The Childhood Feeling of “Who Got More?”

Most of us can remember some version of this from childhood.

 

One child got the bigger piece of cake. One child received more attention. One child seemed to get more help from Mom or Dad. Even when the difference was small, the feeling could be powerful.

That same feeling can reappear years later when an estate is divided. A child may ask:

 

“Why did my sister receive that?”

 

“Why was my brother named trustee?”

 

“Why did Mom and Dad help one child more during life, but divide everything equally at death?”

 

“Why did they treat us differently?”

 

These questions can quickly become emotional, especially when the parents are no longer here to explain their thinking or to mediate.

Equal Is Simple. But It Is Not Always Fair.

Many parents start with a basic assumption: “We’ll divide everything equally among the children.”

In many families, that is the right answer. Equal shares are easy to understand and often reduce conflict. But equal is not always the same as fair.

For example, one child may have spent years helping care for a parent. One child may have received substantial financial help during the parents’ lifetime. One child may have special needs, creditor problems, addiction issues, or an unstable marriage. One child may be financially secure, while another is struggling.

In those situations, an exactly equal division may not reflect the parents’ true wishes or the family’s real circumstances.

The key is not whether you choose equal or unequal treatment. The key is whether your plan is thoughtful, clear, and properly documented.

The Inheritance Conversation No One Wants to Have

Many parents avoid talking about inheritance because they do not want to create conflict while they are living. That is understandable.

Often a family meeting about your estate plan can bring issues to the surface that create more disharmony. And children may start seeing you with a dollar sign on your forehead — or jockey for position with you and each other.

But silence can create even greater conflict later.

 

Children often fill in the blanks with their own assumptions. If the estate plan surprises them after a parent’s death, they may interpret the plan as favoritism, punishment, or evidence that another family member influenced the parent.

This is especially true when one child is placed in charge as successor trustee.

 

The trustee may be completely honest and responsible, but the other children may still question every decision. They may wonder whether the trustee is hiding information, delaying distributions, or taking advantage of the role.

A good estate plan can reduce these risks by making the parent’s instructions clear and by giving the trustee practical guidance. A tested and proven way to handle this is to prepare a separate letter to the attorney, in your handwriting, explaining the reasons for your decisions. That letter will only be shown to your children when and if problems later should arise.

The goal is not to justify yourself. It is to reduce confusion. A child may still be disappointed. But it can make a major difference if the child understands that the decision was intentional, carefully considered, and based on the parents’ judgment — not on pressure, mistake, or favoritism.

When Different Treatment Makes Sense

There are many valid reasons parents may choose to treat children differently.

 

One child may have already received an advance on inheritance. Another child may have worked in a family business. A child with special needs may require a different type of trust. A child who is financially irresponsible may need protection from receiving too much too soon.

Different treatment can also be used to protect a child.

 

For example, instead of leaving assets outright to children, parents may leave a child’s inheritance in trust. This can help protect the inheritance from divorce, lawsuits, creditors, poor spending decisions, or outside influence. The trust need not be restrictive or controlled by a third-party trustee. In some cases, a properly designed trust, such as our “Personal Asset Trust™,” can give the child significant access and control while still providing valuable protection.

This type of planning should not be viewed as punishing a child. Often, it is the opposite. It is a way to treat the child almost as if he or she received the inheritance directly while protecting the child and preserving that inheritance.

The Danger of Leaving It to the Kids to “Work It Out”

Some parents say, “My children get along. They’ll figure it out.”

 

That may be true during the parents’ lifetime. But things can change after death. (“When the cat’s away, the mice will play” — or fight!)

 

Grief, spouses, financial pressure, and old family dynamics can all affect how children behave. Even small items of personal property can trigger disputes. Jewelry, furniture, family photos, holiday decorations, or a sentimental object may become the center of an emotional fight.